The Differentiation Concept

How influenced are you by what your partner thinks?

How differently do you react when your partner acts a
certain way to when your friend does the same thing.

Differentiation involves holding a sense of “self” in the
light of pressure from your partner, family or society.

Differentiation is the ability to balance the pull of
togetherness with the pull of separateness.

When you have clear sense of “self” you are able to relate
or connect with others without losing your individuality.

Differentiated but apart... ok being seperate!

Differentiation is a higher level of balancing connectedness
and individuality.

By carefully examining your relationships…

… you can learn how to face the issues that come along with the
joys and your attempts to fulfil your dreams. Sometimes by moving
apart, stepping back and examining how the pushes and pulls work in
your relationships, you can begin to understand that although you
seem to be disconnected, in fact you may be emotionally fused.

Differentiated together... ok being close!

Our partners can sometime impose…

… an enormous pressure to conform, participate in the family
norms, where you are end up doing things you would “normally” never
think of doing. Why? Because you want to be loved, you want the
relationship to work, you need your partner’s approval… these are
signs you may be in a fused relationship… what seems like a secure
and loving partnership is one based on fear and other people’s
expectations.

Sometimes your expectations limit your options .

Often we grow up influenced by how our parents acted, and we
bring this into the new relationship. So our expectations are
actually our parents

This is referred to by Toby Bobes and Barbara Rothman as The Crowded Bed* What we bring to
the relationship includes our history, our parent’s and
grandparent’s and great-grandparent’s history.

How does differentiation of self work

A critical part of couple counselling or coaching is establishing
each partner’s own self-esteem. A strong foundation for building a
partnership comes from the strength of each person. Needy or
co-dependant relationships have difficulties because the
relationship is more about what (or who) is holding each partner up
rather than what the partners are doing to support the relationship.

The concept of the multigenerational transmission process
describes how small differences in the levels of differentiation
between parents and their offspring lead over many generations to
marked differences in differentiation among the members of a
multigenerational family.

Couples who have similar levels of differentiation can live well
together whatever the level. The problems arise when one attempts to
raise their level of differentiation and the other does not want to
change. Usually the one who does not want to change does everything
they can to draw their (changing) partner back to their original
level. These relationships may work (slaves and masters work as long
as the slave remains the slave) but may not be healthy.

The moment a husband loses his job (status as master) and the
wife has to go to work (becoming the breadwinner) the equilibrium is
rocked.

A high level of differentiation is needed for a relationship to
be healthy and steady in the throes of disruption.

Your family going back through the generations

If you come from a family that is highly emotional and fused in
that emotion you may be responding to your parent’s wishes and
demands (as it is likely they did to their parent’s directives) even
as an adult in the next generational entity.

We all respond to our upbringing by assuming the mantle of our
parents or who ever nurtures (or doesn’t) in the early years of our
life. The atmosphere and mood in the family, father’s patriarchal
attitudes, mothers domineering or nagging… the relationship
patterns. These all influence how “we are in the world”. Our level
of differentiation is often similar to our parents. “Life father
like son.” “She acts just like her mother.” How often do you hear
these comments? Acting the opposite to our parents (rebelling) also
reflects our level of differentiation. Low if we are rebelling and
also low if we are acquiescing.

We then grow and mature and select a mate who is usually similar
to our level of differentiation. Thus perpetuating the generational
transmission process described by Murray Bowen:

“The concept of the multigenerational transmission
process describes how small differences in the levels of
differentiation between parents and their offspring lead over many
generations to marked differences in differentiation among the
members of a multigenerational family.

“A poorly differentiated family leads a
disorganised life, needing much support form outside the family and
seeking support (neediness) from each other and the partners they
choose.

“The next step in the multigenerational
transmission process is people predictably selecting mates with
levels of differentiation of self that match their own.

“A key implication of the multigenerational
concept is that the roots of the most severe human problems as well
as of the highest levels of human adaptation are generations deep.
The multigenerational transmission process not only programs the
levels of “self” people develop, but it also programs how people
interact with others. Both types of programming affect the selection
of a spouse.”

Triangles and what part they play in relationships

Triangles have positive and negative values. According to Bowen
Theory any two part relationship is unstable and requires a third
party or thing to moderate it. In times of anxiety even the best of
us will resort to blaming others for things not working. When
anxiety is high the harder it is to remain calm.

When differentiation is high people can talk confidently about
the issues, taking responsibility where it is proper without
complaining or blaming others.

Triangles are “bad” when people become locked into taking sides
basing their decisions on emotional responses or feelings.
Mindfulness is not utilised in this case. People often align with
each other against reason (agreeing with the boss for instance
because your job depends on it) or any number of ways to make things
comfortable for yourself.

Murray Bowen again:

“Someone is always uncomfortable in a triangle and
pushing for change. The insiders solidify their bond by choosing
each other in preference to the less desirable outsider. Someone
choosing another person over oneself arouses particularly intense
feelings of rejection. If mild to moderate tension develops between
the insiders, the most uncomfortable one will move closer to the
outsider. One of the original insiders now becomes the new outsider
and the original outsider is now an insider. The new outsider will
make predictable moves to restore closeness with one of the
insiders.

“At moderate levels of tension, triangles usually
have one side in conflict and two sides in harmony. The conflict is
not inherent in the relationship in which it exists but reflects the
overall functioning of the triangle. At a high level of tension, the
outside position becomes the most desirable. If severe conflict
erupts between the insiders, one insider opts for the outside
position by getting the current outsider fighting with the other
insider. If the manoeuvring insider is successful, he gains the more
comfortable position of watching the other two people fight. When
the tension and conflict subside, the outsider will try to regain an
inside position.

“Triangles contribute significantly to the
development of clinical problems. Getting pushed from an inside to
an outside position can trigger a depression or perhaps even a
physical illness. Two parents intensely focusing on what is wrong
with a child can trigger serious rebellion in the child.”

Staying away from triangles

• When you feel you are being drawn into a triangle situation
  it is easy to stay separate by:
• being mindful it is happening
• breathing steadily and concentrating on your desire to stay
  clear
• aiming for higher levels of differentiation
• repeating back to the other person what they say,
  summarising and then stating you contrary opinion
• remain neutral in your opinions if you feel you are being
  swayed
• foster healthy relationships with the people you associate
• stay away from people who complain or whine, moan and
  criticise about their friends

Cut-off — breaking away without resolving issues

Bowen referred to emotional cut-off as the way some people
resolve their unfinished business with their parents. So is this a
bad thing? Well, given that sometimes remaining in a difficult
situation can be resolved simply by leaving might be seen as a good
thing.

Imagine living in a family that included the children being
abused or sexually molested. Is it a good thing to stay or bad to
leave? Given that in the early years children are bound to their
parents by law, sometimes there is no choice. However, as children
become more mature they a re more able to make decisions that favour
their survival rather than allowing mere existence.

Tensions are reduced by leaving uncomfortable or dangerous
situations. Emotion tension is reduced by cut-off. This unresolved
attachment is present in all of us. The higher differentiated person
has less unresolved attachment and is able to co-exist with some
tensions in the family albeit with some degree of discomfort. Being
able to “live with” this discomfort, not let it spill out every time
you meet “the parents” indicates a high level of differentiation.

Ways to know that your attachment is unresolved might include
acting like a child when you visit your parents, or look to them to
resolve your problems… or look at always wanting to resolve their
problems. Do you seek your parent’s approval and get angry when it
is not given?

Have you left home and broken off all relations with your parents
and family? Sometimes this indicates your have unresolved family
attachment. In this situation many people build alternative family
structures (sometimes in marriages or living in communes or joining
in with a like-minded group of people) and live happily in these
situations. However, without a strong family base, if these
alternative structures falter, people find themselves in muddy
waters.

Christmas or family celebrations are often where cut-off these
issues arise. Cut-off members of the family return hoping things
will be better but they soon find old tensions bubble to the
surface. Other family members blame and accuse the cut-off member
for causing trouble and “upsetting Mum”.

Often people get “sick” just before they are due to return to the
family home or event. Especially if there has been a history of
“incidents” when ever they have returned. It is obvious really when
you think about it, that you wouldn’t want to go somewhere where you
have a bad time.

How to ease back in after cut-off

Sometimes it is impossible to fully restore good relations.
Tread
carefully with realistic expectations. “Once bitten, twice shy.”
Many people are unforgiving once “you betray the family honour”.

• Try to foster good relations all the time.
• Send cards and make calls.
• Visit for short periods in non-celebration times.
• Be neutral in your conversation.
• Maintain a differentiated stance, even when you don’t feel
  it.
• Be genuine, kind, loving and thoughtful with people who may
  be hurt by your actions.