Differentiation of Self

The Differentiation Concept

How to have outstandingly successful relationships

How influenced are you by what your partner thinks?

• How differently do you react when your partner acts a certain way to when your friend does the same thing.
• Differentiation involves holding a sense of "self" in the light of pressure from your partner, family or society.
• Differentiation is the ability to balance the pull of togetherness with the pull of separateness.
• When you have clear sense of "self" you are able to relate or connect with others without losing your individuality.
• Differentiation is a higher level of balancing connectedness and individuality.

By carefully examining your relationships... 

... you can learn how to face the issues that come along with the joys and your attempts to fulfil your dreams. Sometimes by moving apart, stepping back and examining how the pushes and pulls work in your relationships, you can begin to understand that although you seem to be disconnected, in fact you may be emotionally fused.

Our partners can sometime impose...

... an enormous pressure to conform, participate in the family norms, where you are end up doing things you would "normally" never think of doing. Why? Because you want to be loved, you want the relationship to work, you need your partner's approval... these are signs you may be in a fused relationship... what seems like a secure and loving partnership is one based on fear and other people's expectations.

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Sometimes your expectations limit your options .

Often we grow up influenced by how our parents acted, and we bring this into the new relationship. So our expectations are actually our parents

This is referred to by Toby Bobes and Barbara Rothman as The Crowded Bed* What we bring to the relationship includes our history, our parent's and grandparent's and great-grandparent's history.

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How does differentiation of self work

A critical part of couple counselling or coaching is establishing each partner's own self-esteem. A strong foundation for building a partnership comes from the strength of each person. Needy or co-dependant relationships have difficulties because the relationship is more about what (or who) is holding each partner up rather than what the partners are doing to support the relationship.

The concept of the multigenerational transmission process describes how small differences in the levels of differentiation between parents and their offspring lead over many generations to marked differences in differentiation among the members of a multigenerational family.

Couples who have similar levels of differentiation can live well together whatever the level. The problems arise when one attempts to raise their level of differentiation and the other does not want to change. Usually the one who does not want to change does everything they can to draw their (changing) partner back to their original level. These relationships may work (slaves and masters work as long as the slave remains the slave) but may not be healthy.

The moment a husband loses his job (status as master) and the wife has to go to work (becoming the breadwinner) the equilibrium is rocked.

A high level of differentiation is needed for a relationship to be healthy and steady in the throes of disruption.

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Your family going back through the generations

If you come from a family that is highly emotional and fused in that emotion you may be responding to your parent's wishes and demands (as it is likely they did to their parent's directives) even as an adult in the next generational entity.

We all respond to our upbringing by assuming the mantle of our parents or who ever nurtures (or doesn't) in the early years of our life. The atmosphere and mood in the family, father's patriarchal attitudes, mothers domineering or nagging... the relationship patterns. These all influence how "we are in the world". Our level of differentiation is often similar to our parents. "Life father like son." "She acts just like her mother." How often do you hear these comments? Acting the opposite to our parents (rebelling) also reflects our level of differentiation. Low if we are rebelling and also low if we are acquiescing.

We then grow and mature and select a mate who is usually similar to our level of differentiation. Thus perpetuating the generational transmission process described by Murray Bowen:

"The concept of the multigenerational transmission process describes how small differences in the levels of differentiation between parents and their offspring lead over many generations to marked differences in differentiation among the members of a multigenerational family.

"A poorly differentiated family leads a disorganised life, needing much support form outside the family and seeking support (neediness) from each other and the partners they choose.

"The next step in the multigenerational transmission process is people predictably selecting mates with levels of differentiation of self that match their own.

"A key implication of the multigenerational concept is that the roots of the most severe human problems as well as of the highest levels of human adaptation are generations deep. The multigenerational transmission process not only programs the levels of "self" people develop, but it also programs how people interact with others. Both types of programming affect the selection of a spouse."

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Triangles and what part they play in relationships

Triangles have positive and negative values. According to Bowen Theory any two part relationship is unstable and requires a third party or thing to moderate it. In times of anxiety even the best of us will resort to blaming others for things not working. When anxiety is high the harder it is to remain calm.

When differentiation is high people can talk confidently about the issues, taking responsibility where it is proper without complaining or blaming others.

Triangles are "bad" when people become locked into taking sides basing their decisions on emotional responses or feelings. Mindfulness is not utilised in this case. People often align with each other against reason (agreeing with the boss for instance because your job depends on it) or any number of ways to make things comfortable for yourself.

Murray Bowen again:

"Someone is always uncomfortable in a triangle and pushing for change. The insiders solidify their bond by choosing each other in preference to the less desirable outsider. Someone choosing another person over oneself arouses particularly intense feelings of rejection. If mild to moderate tension develops between the insiders, the most uncomfortable one will move closer to the outsider. One of the original insiders now becomes the new outsider and the original outsider is now an insider. The new outsider will make predictable moves to restore closeness with one of the insiders.

"At moderate levels of tension, triangles usually have one side in conflict and two sides in harmony. The conflict is not inherent in the relationship in which it exists but reflects the overall functioning of the triangle. At a high level of tension, the outside position becomes the most desirable. If severe conflict erupts between the insiders, one insider opts for the outside position by getting the current outsider fighting with the other insider. If the manoeuvring insider is successful, he gains the more comfortable position of watching the other two people fight. When the tension and conflict subside, the outsider will try to regain an inside position.

"Triangles contribute significantly to the development of clinical problems. Getting pushed from an inside to an outside position can trigger a depression or perhaps even a physical illness. Two parents intensely focusing on what is wrong with a child can trigger serious rebellion in the child."

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Staying away from triangles

• When you feel you are being drawn into a triangle situation it is easy to stay separate by:
• being mindful it is happening
• breathing steadily and concentrating on your desire to stay clear
• aiming for higher levels of differentiation
• repeating back to the other person what they say, summarising and then stating you contrary opinion
• remain neutral in your opinions if you feel you are being swayed
• foster healthy relationships with the people you associate
• stay away from people who complain or whine, moan and criticise about their friends

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Cut-off — breaking away without resolving issues

Bowen referred to emotional cut-off as the way some people resolve their unfinished business with their parents. So is this a bad thing? Well, given that sometimes remaining in a difficult situation can be resolved simply by leaving might be seen as a good thing.

Imagine living in a family that included the children being abused or sexually molested. Is it a good thing to stay or bad to leave? Given that in the early years children are bound to their parents by law, sometimes there is no choice. However, as children become more mature they a re more able to make decisions that favour their survival rather than allowing mere existence.

Tensions are reduced by leaving uncomfortable or dangerous situations. Emotion tension is reduced by cut-off. This unresolved attachment is present in all of us. The higher differentiated person has less unresolved attachment and is able to co-exist with some tensions in the family albeit with some degree of discomfort. Being able to "live with" this discomfort, not let it spill out every time you meet "the parents" indicates a high level of differentiation.

Ways to know that your attachment is unresolved might include acting like a child when you visit your parents, or look to them to resolve your problems... or look at always wanting to resolve their problems. Do you seek your parent's approval and get angry when it is not given?

Have you left home and broken off all relations with your parents and family? Sometimes this indicates your have unresolved family attachment. In this situation many people build alternative family structures (sometimes in marriages or living in communes or joining in with a like-minded group of people) and live happily in these situations. However, without a strong family base, if these alternative structures falter, people find themselves in muddy waters.

Christmas or family celebrations are often where cut-off these issues arise. Cut-off members of the family return hoping things will be better but they soon find old tensions bubble to the surface. Other family members blame and accuse the cut-off member for causing trouble and "upsetting Mum".

Often people get "sick" just before they are due to return to the family home or event. Especially if there has been a history of "incidents" when ever they have returned. It is obvious really when you think about it, that you wouldn't want to go somewhere where you have a bad time.

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How to ease back in after cut-off

Sometimes it is impossible to fully restore good relations.  Tread carefully with realistic expectations. "Once bitten, twice shy." Many people are unforgiving once "you betray the family honour".

• Try to foster good relations all the time.
• Send cards and make calls.
• Visit for short periods in non-celebration times.
• Be neutral in your conversation.
• Maintain a differentiated stance, even when you don't feel it.
• Be genuine, kind, loving and thoughtful with people who may be hurt by your actions.

 

 

      

Differentiation of Self allows us to be who we are and others to be who they are..