Listening skills for Smart Couples

A quality many people find endearing in another person is having someone hear what they have said.  Attending skills, acknowledging the very words that are spoken is somehow extremely comforting.

We all want to speak and be heard

When (if) we are allowed to freely express our thoughts and ideas, expectations and goals, they will always be accompanied by an emotion.

When our partner or friends or someone in our family is telling us things, pay attention to the underlying, between-the-lines meanings.  This is the hidden gold of our relationships.  When people get that you "get" them they will be friends for ever.  When you know your friends understand what you really mean you will want to be friends with them forever.

Telling people what you want, how you feel

You job is to be as clear as you can when you are expressing yourself.  Telling people what you are feeling is far harder than telling what you think. 

What I say	What I feel
I am angry at you	I am resentful
What I am not saying	What I want to say but feel silly or vulnerable if I do say it
...because I am frustrated that here you go again, another person not understanding me and that has gone on all my life ever since my dog died when I was seven and no one realised how unhappy I was. because what you did reminded me of.....	...because when that thing happened it reminded me when my dog died and I was very unhappy.

Listening to your partner is as important as you speaking up and being heard.  When both of you are doing these things the relationship is enhanced.

When you are willing to listen and learn you can be better with your partner immediately. Keep in mind that what and how people say things often betrays how they are feeling. Ask yourself, what is the emotional content.

Sit facing your partner and listen to what he or she says. 

Feedback to them what you heard.

Let them correct you if you get it wrong.

Let your partner know you are listening by attending to their ideas, thoughts, feeling and actions.