Premarriage

Pre-marriage counselling is not really counselling. Although it may cover the range of issues sometimes faced in counselling, pre-marriage work is more educational.

Attending pre-marriage sessions helps you identify possible sources of difficulties you may encounter in your relationship. Prevention is better than cure.

Some of the issues that may be discussed include —

Family of Origin

Where we come from is often the starting point for people looking to understand their actions, feelings, responses, attitudes. All of these play a part in our lives as individuals and as well are pivotal points of reference as part of the system in partnerships, groups and society as a whole.

• Family of Origin looks at how your family culture affects you today.
• Styles of communication between family members;
• Discovering patterns and putting strategies in place to avoid perpetuating unhealthy or unhelpful behaviours;
• Learning how to emotionally separate from your family influences;
• Realising that no one is to blame for how you are today;
• Recognising the significance of the systems theory in family relationships… how one thing always affects another;
• Identifying “family rules” and how they play out in your expectations of yourself and in others;
• Anxieties about the differences family members feel about each other.

Differentiation of Self

• How influenced are you by what your partner thinks?
• How differently do you react when your partner acts a certain way to when your friend does the same thing.
• Differentiation involves holding a sense of “self” in the light of pressure from your partner, family or society.
• Differentiation is the ability to balance the pull of togetherness with the pull of separateness.
• When you have clear sense of “self” you are able to relate or connect with others without losing your individuality.
• Differentiation is a higher level of balancing connectedness and individuality. Read more…

Conflict Resolution

Conflict and anger management are inevitable in any relationship. Sometimes it can be seen as a healthy component of relationships. Very few people absolutely agree on all things.

It is not the conflict that is the problem but the way conflict is handled. Managing your own anger and anger directed toward you requires you use your head.

In order to increase your ability to handle conflict within your relationship it is helpful to develop your self-awareness. Emotionally intelligent people are aware of the part they play in provoking anger and frustration in their partner. Some people even admit they purposefully do things to aggravate others. This cannot promote care and responsibility in their relationships.

Here are some helpful suggestions for dealing with anger —

• Sit face-to-face at a desk and encourage your partner to talk , express their frustrations and anger in a constructive manner;
• Allow time for everything to be expressed… freely, trying not to interrupt;
• Remain polite and caring as you express your thoughts and feelings. When you are not polite it is ammunition for your partner to be rude back. When discussions spiral out of control it is sometimes difficult to feel positive about the relationship.
• Make sure you are clear in what and how you express yourself. Ask fir clarification if you do not understand what is being said to you.

Intimacy

Relationships are built on trust, fairness, care, support and intimacy, among many other things. In contemporary society our relationships are often informed and consequently confused by our expectations and cultural differences between partners. Fully understanding the implications of this is crucial to having a fulfilling and rewarding relationship. Each of us have a personal understanding of what intimacy means.

Passion and intimacy are entwined in so far as they play with and off each other. When the play is connected, in rhythm, you will respond positively. If you are peaking when your partner is dipping in energy or interest, then often this is seen as a criticism or rejection. If you are experiencing low self-esteem these incidents can seem exaggerated.

I am not suggesting it is wrong to have these feelings of disenchantment; I am asking you to question why you are feeling them. Recognising the source of your frustrations is the first step in finding ways to accommodate or resolve the issue.

It is the “finding ways” to understand that is important if you are to live together, in harmony, with your intimacy intact and fully expressed.

Sex

Sex and intimacy are not the same, although frequently a sexual relationship involves intimacy and sometimes a intimate relationship involves intimacy.

If you are used to your partner touching you in a nonsexual way it is likely you will be more welcoming and generous to his or her advances. If every time it is reaching for an intimate part of your body, or you experience the demand to go further, to having sex, it is likely you will tire of these approaches.

What I am suggesting is that more often than not we crave affection rather than sex. It seems sex is the logical conclusion to intimacy but this is not necessarily so.

Each of us have our own sense of intimacy. Letting our partner know what we like and recognising what our partner likes helps us to go with the flow.

Our upbringing, cultural norms, societal influences all contribute to our expectations of what a relationship “should” provide, should be, could develop into. These may be wrong for you and you may actually be better satisfied and fulfilled by an individual attitude toward sex and love. Discuss these aspects of your relationship with the person most intimately connected to you and your relationship… your partner.

Finances

smartcouples discuss openly and often the financial arrangements each of you are individually involved in and find ways to agree if joint ventures are to be considered.

Arguing over who paid what and when and why is frequently a contributing cause of marital or relationship breakdown… often leading to break-up and divorce.

Delegating who is responsible for organising the financial concerns of the partnership is a partnership decision. Also, although one person may be the “doing” person, both of you need to be fully aware of what is being done. Frequent discussion is a requirement for you both to be happy about what is being done.